Happy Thanksgiving from TNL

Before we run off and enjoy the busiest drinking night of the year* and then stumble out of bed around the crack of noon to gorge ourselves on Meleagris gallopavo and Pumpkin Pie**, we would like to wish everyone a Happy and Safe Thanksgiving.

With that in mind I would like to give you my list of things I'm thankful for in 2009 (not in any coherent order):

• Football
  

  Of course this goes without saying, I would not have started this blog had I not loved football, but this year was a really good year. Think about it, we saw underdog programs like TCU, Boise, and Cincinnati crash the BCS party making a mockery of a sham of a system. USC lost their usual head scratcher of a game and then got unceremoniously dumped from the Pac 10 race by none other than Stanford and their flamboyant coach by a score the likes of which was never before witnessed by Trojan players. Both Michigan and Notre Dame teased the mindless drones of the media early in the season making them take notice and begin salivating before getting flushed down the shitter. Admit it, the heart attack kids from Iowa were a fun bunch to watch, yeah you knew they would eventually loose but watching the miracle comebacks week after week was extremely entertaining. Pitt is once again relevant and you know what that means this offseason: talks of "the rivalry" will certainly pass the time. All in all, not a bad season of football and I for one am thankful
  

• Charlie Weis and Dick Rod
Speaking of Michigan and Notre Dame, how could you not love these two guys? And by love I mean how can you not love to watch two programs you love to hate, that once loved these guys, fall flat on their faces. It's a cornucopia of schadenfreude. The total arrogance of Weis with his flaunting of his super bowl rings, his now famous "9-3 isn't good enough" line after his first season, the botched gastric bypass and the corresponding FAILed malpractice lawsuit, he's the gift of FAIL that keeps on FAILing and it couldn't happen to a more arrogant school with a more arrogant fan base. I'm going to miss that fat bastard.

Then there's Rodriguez, the man that was going to bring the spread to Michigan and take the Big Ten by storm. Two seasons a record of 8-16 and a last place finish in the Big Ten this year' how's that working out for ya, Michigan fans? Rodriguez was Penn State's answer to "the streak" and how can I not be thankful for that? Thanks Dick Rod.


• Fantasy Football

  Yes Fantasy Football is very frustrating and no I haven't won dick in half a decade now but it's still fun to play. If it were not for fantasy football I wouldn't even watch the Pros. But thanks to it, every Sunday I'm at my local watering hole that has 10 TV's and the NFL ticket bouncing around from TV to TV like a drunken butterfly following my players. I honestly don't even have a team to root for; I just pray that the game in which my QB is playing goes into overtime so I get those bonus points.
  

• Boobs
  

  Yeah it's juvenile but I can't help myself; there are two things that make anything better, Boobs and bacon. I'm 36 years old and yet there's nothing that can get my attention like boobs. In fact, if only for a very short time, when I see these they trump everything else on my list. The male fixation with boobs is primal, now I can't explain it but if you want an explanation here's a great book that can (it's also the best book I read in 2009). Hey, there's a reason I read Boiled Sports and that's Sideboob Friday.
  

• DVR
  

  Still don't know how I lived without this thing. Record your series of shows you like, watch them whenever you like. Best… invention… ever.
  

• Beer

Always have been and always will be thankful for beer. We can sit and wax poetically about which beer is the best but at the end of the day we all love it.

"The mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer."- Egyptian Proverb

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin

"Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."- Homer Simpson

Happy Thanksgiving from TNL everyone!

*no really the night before Thanksgiving is one of the best selling and busiest nights for bars and clubs

**by the way, this is how pumpkin pie is made:

Paterno’s Teleconference Notes

Paterno spoke during the Big Ten Coaches Teleconferences and it was pretty much standard Paterno-speak but there's a few interesting comments.

At the start of spring practice, you had talked about developing a secondary that could stand on it's own feet because you had lost four starters, how have they progressed since the start of spring practice and do you like what you have seen from some of the new guys?
Not yet I haven't. I've very concerned about it. A.J. Wallace pulled a hamstring the other day. I had hoped he'd been one of the outstanding kids there. Drew Astorino has had a good spring. We have a long, long way to go to be a good secondary. We're not even close. But, they are working hard at it. Before we get to a first game in the fall I think we'll be adequate. Whether we'll be really good or not is up for grabs.

In my mind the "OMG WE'RE DOOMED!!!" positions of concern are secondary and offensive line (in that order). Secondary is first and foremost considering the shellacking last year's group took in the Rose Bowl and all those guys are gone. Wallace's injury isn't making me any less nervous, he has yet to live up to his lofty potential (at least in the secondary) and any setback is bad news. The fact that no one else has stepped up enough for Joe to even mention means it's time to raise the Nittany Lion Panic level.

We're firmly entrenched at "ELEVATED" people!

Unfortunately, none of the "journalists" asked a single question about the offensive line so we'll take this approach as far as that's concerned.

Everything's great!

Joe was asked about the "weak" non-conference schedule and he had this to say:

I haven't got the slightest idea how good or bad some of the people are going to play yet. I haven't had time to worry about anybody but our squad. To be honest, I probably couldn't tell you who the second game is who we're playing. I've tried to discipline myself to take of what you have to take care of day by day and worry about things when it's time. I know Akron is on the schedule and the reason I know why Akron is there is because they brought Walt Harris in there has been some publicity.

At least Walt Harris' tenure explains (sort of) Akron's inclusion on the schedule but the rest is really weak. I emphasized* the sentence because I would like to point out that I believe this to be somewhat misleading. And saying "somewhat misleading" is the equivalent of saying Megan Fox is "somewhat attractive."

Yeah, she' kinda cute in a wholesome schoolgirl way

I make it a point to read Paterno's transcripts through the years because you get an unfiltered look at his press conferences without the bias of a reporter and I've become pretty astute at telling when JoePa is sandbagging and this is exhibit A. Paterno watches game film constantly in the off season you know damn well he's watched Syracuse film, Hell he probably watched film of the New Orleans Saints offense because that's the unit new Cuse head coach Doug Marrone was responsible for last season.

Speaking of non-conference schedule:

What role do you have in helping to choose the non-conference schedule?
They'll say, "how about this or how about that?" Our problem is we have to play a lot of home games. We get over 100,000 people and we're committed to eight Big Ten games. The people who do the scheduling, they don't put anything on my desk and say, "hey, this is what you've got to do," they'll ask, "what do you think about this club?" We thought Texas Christian was going to come here. They backed out. They decided that wasn't in their best interest. I said, "do you want me to call Gary Patterson?" because I like him and he's a good friend and I thought it would be a good game for us. Little things like that come up, but overall in the big picture, no.

So at least I can take some solace in knowing that the Athletic Department tried to schedule someone with a pulse but I'll bet that doesn't make all the season ticket holders who shelled out a grand for two tickets feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Lastly, I give you the "I'm a stupid reporter and will proudly proclaim my ignorance at the top of the highest mountain" retarded question of the day:

Navorro Bowman had a pretty up and down season last year with some emotional issues off the field. Can you talk about how he's played this spring?
I think Navorro had a really good year last year. He ended up at the end of last year a really fine linebacker. He had family losses and things like that. He's done well. He'll be a fine linebacker for us. He's tending to his knitting in the classroom. I think he's solid right now.

Ok, I'll give the reporter a modicum of doubt here and hope when he's talking about "down" he means only off the field stuff because there was very little down in Bowman's play on the field. Additionally the second part of the question would lead one to believe the "up and down" commentary was directed toward his play which is ridiculous because Bowman was a beast last season. Bonus points for Paterno's "knitting in the classroom" analogy. JoePa's always good for one of those.

*I make it a point to never say "emphasis mine" after a quote because A) I go through life writing on this blog under the delusion that all my readers (all 5 of them) are intelligent and well informed and B) why else would there be bold face type in the middle of a freakin' quote?!?! Now let's go under these assumptions from this point forward and never speak of it again. K? Spanx!

Tennessee Vols have secret recruiting weapon

Lost in all the hubbub of the introduction of the Tennessee Volunteers 21^st coach Lane Kiffin is the secret recruiting weapon that Kiffin is bringing with him. Fortunately, we at TNL have an intricate web of embedded spies working for us in the SEC and we have successfully absconded secret photos of Kiffin's diabolical plan to unleash his new recruiting tool on unsuspecting 18-year old men. Here for the first time are pictures of Kiffin and his secret weapon:

Lane Kiffin pictured here with the best recruiting tool available: his smoking hot wife!

What high school senior is going to be able to say "no" to that!?! And that's not even a good picture of her! CHRIST, we are in trouble.

Feel free to insert any and all sexual explicit one-liners in the comment section like… I wish she'd volunteer to be on my staff… or it must be the vols because she's the only Ten-I-See… or my favorite… man I'd have sexual intercourse with her!

JoePa Outruns Temptation

Erin Andrews chatted with radio host/potential Erin Andrews stalker Dan Patrick on his show today and talked a little JoePa.

Dan Patrick – When is it a nightmare for you?
Erin Andrews – Um, probably about four years ago, when Joe Paterno outran me.
DP – [Laughs] He’s got a bad hip, Erin.
EA – This was before the hip, Dan. I swear.
DP – Oh ok, so he’s 78 at the time and doesn’t have the bad hip and he outran you?
EA – and I’m 5’10”. Um, yeah, it was at the Wisconsin game. I really thought they were going another way and then when I realized, “Holy cow, JoePa’s over there.” I just started sprinting. I got to him. I grabbed him. He gave this forearm, Scott Stevens forearm shiver and I was like, “Well I guess we’re not getting anything. Ron, back up to you."
DP – But, but a lot of its…
EA – Stay classy, San Diego. But, yeah worst thing that’s ever happened, Joe Paterno outran me.


Paging, Oops Pow Surprise. Your genius is needed to properly dramatize this situation.


HANDS OFF, JEZEBEL!


Yay! Sweet, sweet traffic bump from search engine results (OMG!1!1! Erin Andrews), here’s a parting gift for those precious few seconds you visited The Nittany Line. Thank you, come again.
photo from Jim Davidson at The Ozone

Former Foes: the bye week edition

Time, once again, for our weekly look back at Penn State's past competition and see how they are faring after getting beat by the Nittany Lions. How is Temple doing anyway?

Coastal Carolina (4-5)

The Chicken let a 21-14 lead mid way through the third quarter and a 24-21 fourth quarter lead slip away as they lost to Stony Brook 28-24. The Chanticleers gave the game away coughing up the ball four times. Coastal fumbled the opening kickoff to the Seawolves (wait, what? Stony Brook = Seawolves, Coastal Carolina = Chicken? What?!??). The loss moves the Chants to 0-3 in Big South play. Quarterback Zack MacDowall passed for 306 yards and 2 TD's.

Next up: BYE

Oregon State (4-3)

BYE

Next up: Arizona State travels to Corvallis for a Homecoming game

Syracuse (1-6)

BYE

Next up: Louisville

Temple (3-5)

For three quarters the Temple Owls didn't score a point and in the second and third quarters combined they had 6 yards of total offense. But down 10-0 in the 4^th quarter Temple scored two late touchdowns to walk away with a 14-10 victory. Freshman running back Kee-ayre Griffin scored to make the score 10-7 and Ohio fumbled the ball back to Temple two possessions later. QB Adam DiMichele, who returned from a shoulder injury, found WR Bruce Francis in the back of the endzone for a 5 yard go-ahead touchdown.

Next up: at Navy

Illinois (4-4)

The fighting Zookers allowed Wisconsin to score 10 unanswered points in the fourth quarter of a 17-17 tie. It was Wisconsin's first Big Ten victory as Badger quarterback Dustin Sherer threw for 174 yards and two touchdowns and running back John Clay ran for 93 yards. Illini quarterback Juice Williams was held in check throwing for a respectable 221 yards and 2 touchdowns but rushing for only 17 yards on 8 carries. Neither of these two teams can find an identity.

Next up: The Illini take on Shonn Greene and the Iowa Hawkeyes, good luck with that

Purdue (2-6)

Another game for Purdue and another four turnovers. The Boilermakers were held to 226 yards of offense and two field goals in a 17-6 loss to Minnesota. Purdue threw two interceptions and fumbled twice. How bad is it for Purdue? When quarterback Curtis Painter was knocked out of the game in the first quarter his replacement was Justin Siller who was a running back until a week ago. Yeah, that bad.

Next up: Purdue travels to Ann Arbor for a noon pillow fight with Michigan (first one to 3 wins)

Wisconsin (4-4)

Beat Illinois (see above)

Next up: Wisconsin travels to Spartaaaaaaaaaan!! Stadium to take on Michigan State

Michigan (2-6)

Michigan State rolled up 473 yards of total offense and Spartan quarterback Brian Hoyer finished with 282 yards and 3 touchdowns. Even more alarming for Wolverine fans are the big plays the defense surrendered (61 and 50 yard pass and 64 yard rush). Michigan's defense seems to be getting worse as the season continues. Michigan needs to win all four of their remaining games to be bowl eligible and… that ain't happenin'. Don't worry Wolverine fans we know how u feel, TRUST ME, we know how you feel.

Next up: Purdue

It’s Hockey Season?

Unfortunately, I missed the Pens season opener in Stockholm because of well… college football but suffice it to say the Pens split the short series with the Sens. I'm bringing this up because we have a new Pittsburgh-based blog that you should check out called (appropriately for Pirates fans) This is Gettting Old. I was asked to add a link and I have a strict police of always checking a blog out before adding it to my blogroll (hey you have to have some standards, I mean I'm not a whore, ok I am but still…) but I followed the link and was greeted with this:

I need no further investigation consider yourself linked. Oh there are more pictures of Alyssa Milano and this is the least sexy of them but she's wearing my favorite hockey team's shirt so it's damn sexy to me. Head on over if you're a Pittsburgh fan (he's also a Penn State fan) and check it out or head on over and trash talk if you're a Philly fan, whatever just head over and check out hot pictures of Alyssa Milano.

Happy Birthday TNL!

By sheer luck I happened to look back and realized that today is the second anniversary of the start of The Nittany Line. Hard to believe I've been doing this for two years but here we are. So excuse me while I have a slice of birthday cake and some delicious peachy Paterno ice cream.

Vegas + Hooters cake = TNL birthday!

Swarthy Italian Charm vs. Child of the Corn

Our friends over at the glorious BlackHeartGoldPants announced the final four of their Bracket Madness and it pits JoePa against the unstoppable force, DMBMeg. Needless to say, the Nittany Line fully supports JoePa in his postseason effort, but we’ll take a closer look at this match up.

JoePa

I rip it hardcore like porno-flick bitches

I roll with groups of ghetto bastards with biscuits
Check it, my method on the microphone's bangin'
Wu-Tang slang, I'll leave your headpiece hangin'
Bust this, I'm kickin' like Seagal Out For Justice
The roughness, yes, the rudeness, ruckus
Redrum, I verbally assault with the tongue
Murder-one – my style shot your knot like a stun-gun
I'm hectic, I wreck it with the quickness,
set it on the microphone, and competition get blown
by this nasty-ass coacha – also known as JoePa,
charged like a bull and got pull like a trigga
So bad stabbin' up the pad with the vocab, crab
I scream on your ass like your dad: "bring it on...”

What’s left to say after this brilliance?

vs.

DMBMeg

Usually, we get crap from journalists and shitty, wannabe rappers, it’s time this blog made some attractive enemies. We’re ambitious, damn her looks, it only highlights how ugly the rest of us bloggers really are, a hideous scourge. Don’t fall under her spell, sure she’s part Charlize Theron, Naomi Watts and Eva Mendes, but she’s also part Isaac and Malachai, because that’s how the Blue Man wanted it. Sure she’s a smartass and likes drinking, football and kicking ass in NCAA Tournament pools, but she also adores Tom Cruise and chose him as her avatar, that’s right, this guy, also seen here:

Great Xenu’s ghost!

Vote for Joe. Vote like the wind.


On a serious note, we heartily endorse donating towards her participation in the 2008 NYC Triathlon.

Penn State finally beats Michigan in football...

...stadium size that is!

The University of Michigan has reached a settlement that ends the lawsuit over Michigan Stadium's accessibility to disabled fans — and, for the time being, will end the Big House's reign as the largest football stadium in the country.

Because wheelchair-accessible seats take up about 12 times as much space as normal seats, the changes will also drop the stadium's seat capacity from 107,501 to an estimated 106,201 for the 2008 and 2009 seasons. That will make Michigan Stadium the second-largest football stadium in the country after Penn State University's Beaver Stadium, which holds 107,282.

So... all this time Michigan's been struttin' around the Big Ten claiming to be the "biggest." Now we find out somebody's been exaggerating their girth a little. Well step back John Holmesy, there's a new sheriff in town and our junk is 100% real, not like your artificially inflated size. I'm sure the ladies will still flock to you at parties and stuff but they'll look at you with a crooked smirk because they know the truth, they KNOW who the big man is.

Michigan coach needs a hug

Michigan Women's Basketball Coach, Kevin Borseth, wasn’t very happy about his team’s 2 point loss to Wisconsin on Feb 28th.




I’m not sure if you picked it up but I think Michigan’s problem might be rebounding. Also it warms my heart to hear a Michigan coach (any Michigan coach) bitch about the refs. Start’s your week off right doesn’t it?

Happy Valentine’s Day from TNL

Yeah were putting it out there. I know, I know, it's a shitty holiday invented by women to get a free meal and flowers with the facade of love but hey... we have a soft side. Ok that's a total lie because while I was trying to hunt down a funny picture of cupid I found this:

So all I could think of was this:

Anyhoo... happy Valentine's day from TNL to all of you that are lucky enough to celebrate it with that special someone. Me, I'll just be hitting the bar and spending the fifty bucks I would have spent on roses on beer. Feel bad for me. Blue & White Roundtable to follow soon.