Obama to bail out Detroit again

President Obama announced Sunday that he will bail out another failing Detroit business: the Red Wings. "It's apparent with the Detroit Red Wings play in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals that they need help from this administration," Obama said. "We have to be proactive, we can't wait for things to spiral out of control." Detroit lost Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals on their home ice in front of throngs of disappointed fans.

General manager Ken Holland was thankful for any help he could get. "Let's face it," Holland said, "we're not the team we once were, Pittsburgh is younger and more financially sound." Ironically, it was Pittsburgh that almost lost its franchise a few years back but with young stars like Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin the Penguins are a team on the rise. "We only have ourselves to blame," a humbled Holland said, "bad deals have left us in this position and the only way out is help from the government." Details of the deal have yet to be finalized but one of the major points of the agreement is naming rights. "The Hockeytown brand will now reside in Pittsburgh," Obama said "we can't honestly call a team that loses game 7 on home Ice Hockeytown." Philadelphia Flyers officials could not be reached for comment but it's certain that Pittsburgh's in-state little brother won't be happy with the news of the new Hockeytown.

Leaked! Joe Paterno Recruiting Indoctrination Transcript Part 2

Read Part 1 here

I just go through that playbook, literally. It's not how to run the football. It's how to use a couple passes to shatter stacking the box. Then pound them with the run. You apply it, it’s like *boom*.

Because they don’t come up to me and to say that about Jay. Uh, they won’t do that to me, not to my face you know, or anywhere in my vicinity where they feel they could be confronted you know, because I’m from Brooklyn and I won’t stand for that, we’ll throw down, I’ll curb stomp ya.

Look, I wish the world was a different place. I'd like to go on vacation, and go and romp and play, and just do that. You know what I mean? I mean, that's what I want it to be ok. You know, there's times I'd like to do that, but, but I can't because I know, I know, so, you know, you just there’s so much work, I have to do something about it. It's not, you know you can sit here and wish it was different, and then, you look at it and you go ok this is it ‘Alright. Ok.’ And there’s that moment, you know I have to do something, don't I? Yep, I really have to do it, because I can’t live with myself if I don’t and it’s that really is it. Then you have these 18-year-old kids that think they’re gods and need to be fawned every second of the day and I won’t do that. You come here because you want to come here, I don’t need to beg you.

I don't care if someone thinks it's hard or it's easy. Because you're either helping and contributing everything you can, or you're not, ok? I’m 81 years old, given my life to this university and I’m running around in practice, you come here I expect the same. Uh, because I’m carrying my load alright, and not only that as much as I’m carrying, I still feel like I gotta do more. There's still a thing of 'let's go.' I got Bobby Bowden down there at Free Shoes University bending every rule to keep that wins record and I can’t stand by and let that happen. That’s as bad as leaving college football to the Barry Switzers and Jackie Sherrills of the world.

You just can see it, the look in their eyes. You know the ones who are doing it, and you know the spectators who are the ones who are going, “well, it's easy for you or what am I doing.” That thing is, I've cancelled that in my area. [Laughs] It's like, man, you're either in or you're out. That spectatorism, and it’s something that is, we have no time for right now, go sit on the bench if you don’t want to put in the work.

So it's our responsibility to educate, create the new reality where you don’t do flips into the endzone because you want to show off and then dance around like an idiot because you want to be on Sportscenter. You know we have that responsibility to say, hey, this is the way it should be done. Because we do it this way and people are actually getting better.

And let's get it done. Let's really get it done. Have enough loyalty, compassion and toughness, that you're going to do it, and, uh, do it right.

And I have to tell you something. I really it is, you know, it's rough and tumble. And it's wild and woolly. And it's a blast, it's a blast. And it really is fun, because damnit, there is nothing better than to going out there and fighting the fight and suddenly you see *poof* the kids get it, sometimes it doesn’t dawn on them until years later that yeah the old man had a point.

I want to know that I've done everything I could, everyday. And I think of all those people out there who are depending on us. And, uh, I think about that. And it does make me feel like “man, we’ve got more work, we need more help.” I was thinking me and Sue just saw this movie called The Terminator the other day, never heard of it before, a little violent for her tastes, you know, but uh, if I could put together a team of what was Arnold Schwarzenegger playing? [answer mumbled to Joe off screen] A cyborg?! You know, cyborgs and get them to play football and still have them go to class and learn, we could really do some big things. Really, that really is how I feel about it.

I do what I can, and I do it the way I do everything [Laughs]. There's nothing part of the way for me. It’s just *woo*. [Fades out as laughing continues]

A football coach can be defined by a single question. Would you want others to achieve the knowledge you now have? In answering that question, Joe Paterno has introduced PSU technology to over 1 billion people of Earth. And that’s only the first wave he’s unleashed, which is why the story of Joe Paterno, football coach, has only just begun.

Leaked! Joe Paterno Recruiting Indoctrination Transcript Part 1

Joe Paterno on Joe Paterno, Football Coach

[Mission: Impossible theme plays in the background]

I think it's a privilege to call yourself a football coach and it's something you have to earn. And because a football coach does, he has the ability to create new and better realities, and improve conditions. You know, when you teach a kid hit someone properly and they get that perfect hit and really concusses someone, they’re seeing things you wouldn’t believe. Uh, being a football coach you look at someone and you know absolutely that you can help them deliver double vision to someone.

So for me it really is the Grand Experiment and it's just, like, it's something that, uh, I don't mince words with that, you know with anything. But that policy with me has really gone, “boy!” There was a time I went through it, I said, you know what, when I read it, to have football players who go to class and get an education. I just thought *poof* this is it. This is exactly it.

Being a football coach, when you’re driving and you see a woman run a stop sign, it's not like anyone else, it's, you drive past, you know you have to do something about it. Because you know you’re the only one who can really help. So, you let her know the reality of the situation, that you can really hurt someone doing that and her husband’s like that’s my wife and I told him that’s your problem, pal.

That's, that’s what drives me is that I know that we have an opportunity and, uh, to really help for the first time and effectively change people's lives, and I'm dedicated to that. I'm gonna, I'm absolutely, uncomprimisingly dedicated to that.

The University is there to help, ok. But we, also as the team, we have a responsibility. It's not just the University. It's not just Graham Spanier. It's not just me. It’s not Tom and Galen and Jay. It's you. It's everybody out there. Re-watching the tapes, and looking to see what needs to be done, saying ok, am I going to do it, or am I not going to do it? Period. And am I going to look at that team, or am I too afraid because my own desire to compete and win isn’t as high as someone else's desire, and that’s all it comes down to.

Because I won't hesitate to putting ethics into someone else, you know because I put it ruthlessly in on myself. And I think that I respect that in others, and, you know, I am there to help. We're here to help. And my opinion is, look, you're either on board or you're not on board, ok? Which is it? If you're on board, you're on board, just like the rest of us. Period. If you’re not I’m gonna make you run all day long, you think you can go out drink, get in fights and not have any consequences. Not here son.

I used to be the authority around here. I get a call in the middle of the night, we picked up so and so doing whatever. Thanks, officer I’ll take care of it. Next morning, it’s time for some rehabilitation. Some say, oh that’s not punishment, but they don’t know. Uh, that once you know these tools and you know that they work, it’s, when they finish running every step in that stadium, it’s like ok coach I get it, I won’t be getting in any more trouble.

Travelling the world and meeting the people that I've met, you know, talking with these parents in various fields, they want help, and they are depending on people who know and who can be effective, and do it, and that's us. That is our responsibility to do that and get their children ready for life, whether it’s in the NFL or not, get them an education. Jay’s still learning, but I’m not ready to give up on him yet.

Being a football coach, these whiny reporters are turning always to you, so you ready to retire yet, and I don't have time for that, you know, so I ask them when are they retiring and I give them my two cents, which is a lot, I remember a day when that was enough to purchase Louisiana, and or whatever. It's like, I’m here to help.

If you're a football coach, you see life, you see things, the way they are, in all it's glory, you know, in all of it's complexity, and the more you know as a football coach, the more you become overwhelmed by the fact I keep having undefeated squads and yet find new ways not to win a national championship.

[Laughs] And, they said, “so, have you met an AP voter?” [Laughter, clapping his hands] And I looked at them and you know and I thought, what a beautiful thing, because, maybe, one day, it will be like that. You know what I’m saying? Maybe one day we’ll have a playoff to decide a champion and it will be that. Wow, AP voters, they'll just read about those in the history books.

Read Part 2 here

Holy Cow!

This is a college football blog, but off-season summers are filled with baseball and I spent many days listening to “Scooter” and watching Don Mattingly play on WPIX. Some gems from the AP story on his passing, one on his playing days:

Rizzuto tried out with the Brooklyn Dodgers and New York Giants when he was 16, but because of his size was dismissed by Dodgers manager Casey Stengel, who told him to “Go get a shoeshine box.” He went on to become one of Stengel's most dependable players.

And from his broadcast career:

If he missed a play, he would scribble "ww" in his scorecard box score. That, he said, meant "wasn't watching.”

His Hall of Fame inclusion might be considered dubious, but he was the sound of baseball to me when I was younger.

Dancing with the Devil

Editor’s Note: The Nittany Line welcomes new writer Nick to our humble little blog. Here is his first submission and if the rest of his work is anything like this then TNL has just had a serious upgrade. Welcome Nick and say goodbye to your free time.

Dancing with the Devil – Joe Paterno

Oh god, it's humid. Just hours ago I was waist deep in the finest Latina booty and Scotch in Guatemala. Don't drink water down here or in Columbus anymore, ties my stomach in knots. Now I'm somewhere in Colombia I think, we touched down at daybreak. It seemed like such a good idea to look into this "Southern Speed" thing, but it's so damn hot. People really retire to Florida for this shit? I figured if the South was fast, the further South you go the faster they'll get, so here I am tracking something the locals call "El diablo que hace trofeos de los hombres," the demon who makes trophies of men. I gotta admit that's a badass name, think I'll make that my call sign on NCAA '08, take that little bitch SoonerPride28 down a few pegs. Remind him I still own the career interception record at Brown. Come on, focus, if you lose it here and you're in a world of hurt, this guy has already taken out Brady Quinn and Troy Smith. Let's go old man, stick with what you know. Those new Nike jerseys are hard to see, disappear into the surroundings, wish he stuck with the day-glo abominations from Oregon. If I can corner him, maybe I can pound him into submission with a blunt object like a boulder or a log, it worked against Tennessee. Can't wait to get back to that sweet, sweet Scotch and all the curvaceous Spanish tail a goddamned sexual Tyrannosaurus like myself needs.

The past few years I've sent out various coaches on the staff to places like the University of Texas, the Indianapolis Colts, and just recently Louisiana State University for the purpose of improving different aspects of our team. This year, it was also time to look at the best overall ways to improve, I've been reading so much about this phenomenon called "Southern Speed" that I wanted to familiarize myself with it. What is it? How can we scheme around it? My first thought was possibly cocaine, but frankly it would make the players too twitchy and lead to too many procedural penalties, false starts and such. Those, as you know, are simply unacceptable, so I started making a few phone calls and got an interesting lead from fellow Republican and governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

He put me in touch with a few guys in Central/South America who might be able to help me study this "Speed" or at the very least find some pretty women to satisfy a goddamned sexual Tyrannosaurus like myself. I like the sound of that, but this trip is for business, if the South is fast, then the further South we go the faster they get, right? Met up with Dutch, Mac, Billy, Poncho, and Hawkins in Guatemala, the plan was to disembark overnight and touch down at daybreak. This part is mostly classified, however I can say this if you lose it here and you're in a world of hurt, to the tune of 41-14. A few notes I can share, the next wave of Nike jerseys are better than the abomination on college football that is Oregon, but still too fancy for my tastes, disappearing into your surroundings makes it difficult to keep track of your players. The instructor, "El diablo que hace trofeos de los hombres," is one ugly mofo, tall and thick, wonder if he has any eligibility left? This mini-gun is a sweet little piece of machinery, definitely going on my Christmas list, do they sell these at Cabela's? Surprisingly, I came back from my excursion with the conclusion that basic principles still apply: execute your game plan, limit mistakes, outsmart and trap your opponent, and pound them into submission.

I ain't got time to bleed

If you screw up, this it the last thing you see

Drinkin’ Buddies

Editor's note: Sorry about the huge length of this post but I didn't want to break up the continuity of my story.

Dan Lawlor's DUI arrest got me thinking about a very important subject that any self-respecting semi-alcoholic like me should worry about and that's your "Drinking Buddies." Since it's been dead lately sports-wise and there's very little to discuss I thought I'd tell you a personal story that will open a window into the retarded life I live. No, I'm not turning this place into MySpace or anything stupid like that, I just like to pass on some of the mistakes I made so that I may educate as well as entertain.

Let me start by defining what constitutes 'drinking buddies.' They aren't simply the people you drink with, they are the group you regularly get shit-faced with that are always there when someone says "Hey, let's head to [insert local bar here] tonight, I'm ready to get drunk." The guys you can always count on when Friday rolls around and it's time to start the bar tour. There's an unspoken code of silence between you and your 'drinking buddies', confidentiality is of the utmost importance. It takes special people to handle such responsibilities.

Let me give you some background info to keep things in perspective: I've worked at the same company for roughly 7 years and up until a couple years ago had the same drinking buddies. Last weekend marked a very sad day in my life because the last of my drinking buddies has officially moved out of the area leaving me alone and sober. Life sucks. But I digress.

My buddies and I were to drinking what the League of Justice was to superheroes: we managed some great things together.

Like this but with less hangovers, although it’s rumored Aquaman knew how to tie one on

Two of them were what I like to call the Dynamic Duo. Both were friends long before they knew me and both have Zen-like offsetting personalities (my blogging cohort SDIAB is one of the dynamic duo). SDIAB is a Type-A extravert with an ear-piercing, shrill laugh that can be heard for several miles. It's part of his charm. Both of the Dynamic Duo have lightning quick wit and combined are nearly unflappable. While I'm a smartass in my own right, I never challenge the two as a team because they would destroy me. SDIAB is an HR professional and Dynamic Duo #2 is in sales so both have wonderful interpersonal skills which make them easy to like. SDIAB is also a pervert (you know you are) and can make a woman blush with the best of them. The third member of our group is the Omega-male that SDIAB mercilessly picks on. He's a smallish man with a lazy eye and foul mouth but would give you the shirt off his back. He's the king of obnoxious one-liners that he throws at women when he gets drunk. He is what I call a "Whimmer."

A Whimmer is a necessary member of any drinking group – he's the one that walks into your office at 3 o'clock on a Tuesday afternoon and says 'let's go have a beer after work' on a whim. He served a dual purpose in the group because he was the alcoholic that made the rest of our alcoholism seem less raging. He's the only one still left in the area but he moved on to another job. Even though he's around I still don't do a lot with him because you can't make detailed plans with a Whimmer, they always have a reason why they can't make it- kids, wife, dog, whatever. I still get together with the Whimmer every now and then but it's not the same without the rest of the buddies. SDIAB and the Whimmer left the company for a better job, while the other two are still with the company but have moved to different states for better positions.

Last but not least is the token woman in the group. While she was an outsider to the group, she was still an important member that usually came out later when everyone was drunk. Having a female as part of your group is important because they usually tow along other females that make for interesting drunk conversations. We'll call her Ethel because that was her nickname that she hid from us for seven years before I recently found out. Ethel was the last one of the group to leave and my story occurs on the night everyone at work got together to say goodbye.

I hatched a brilliant plan to get Ethel completely plowed for her going away present because that's what drinkin' buddies do for one another. I planned on taking her to all the local stops before the night was through which meant I had to drive. While Ethel can handle her beer quite well, she gets silly drunk on shots of Jagermeister. Ethel will never drink shots alone which meant that every shot I bought for her I had to buy one for myself, which posed a problem – I didn't feel like getting a DUI. So my Frankenstein-esque (plot foreshadowing) plan went as follows – I give her a shot on the hour, every hour and nurse a couple beers. I'm 180 lbs. and have a seasoned liver which meant my body could easily handle a shot an hour, but Ethel is a small girl and can't handle that pace. For the first four hours my plan went off without a hitch; Ethel was drinking beer and begrudgingly accepting shots from me (and a couple others). My first mistake was not anticipating my fellow coworkers following my lead and buying her shots of their own. Most of my coworkers are wet blankets who don't drink but there were enough of them to spoil the plan. I also failed to realize how quickly I pushed Ethel down the wrong side of the drunken bell curve. The drunk sensation strictly adheres to a bell curve of inebriation. Allow me to illustrate.

Maintaining the optimal level of drunkenness is difficult at best. All too often the wrong side of that curve hits you very fast as was the case with Ethel. Most of the party had broken up and only the drinkers were left when we decided to move on. I could tell Ethel was past the point I wanted her at because she was getting loud and repeating stories – classic signs of a serious drunk. When I told her I was taking her to the next bar she argued that I shouldn't drive because, after all, if she was drunk I must have been. As evidence I pulled out my bill and showed her that I had drank 4 shots and 2 beers over four hours which meant my body had metabolized the four shots and I basically had 2 beers in me. Have you ever tried to do math with a drunk? It's like arguing with an automated answering service at a credit card company – you may be 100% right but nothin's getting through. But I did win the argument and we were off.

The second, and what would turn out to be the last, stop on Ethel's farewell tour was a small bar that had a live band playing. Much to my chagrin we got a table directly in front of the band even though the place was packed. I can say with some certainty that the place was well over capacity because I could not see people on the other side of the bar even when I stood up, it was packed. Ethel now perturbed with the lack of music began yelling "PLAY SOMETHING!!" which was particularly funny because the band was setting up; I mean the drummer was literally carrying the drums through the door. She repeated this several times over the next 15 minutes as the band warmed up. "Come on, PLAY SOMETHING," she would yell.

The band was just about ready to play when the drummer decided he better hit the head before beginning his set. "Come on, where the Hell are you going?" cried Ethel, "you got a beer bottle, piss in it and PLAY SOMETHING!" It was at this point I realized that I was indeed Dr. Frankenstein and the perfect plan that I painstakingly concocted was very quickly spiraling out of control and the monster I created was about to start destroying the villagers. One of the guitarists asked me if we were together (I was sitting next to her) and informed me that I needed to control her. I calmly explained that even if I had been with her there was no way in Hell I was going to be able to control her.

At the end of the first couple songs the lead singer asked if there were any requests. "Play something not gay," was Ethel's reply. Taking the roll of damage control, one of my coworkers explained that it was her birthday although it actually is three months away. The 'birthday card 'always goes over well with people and I have to give my compatriot a hearty 'atta boy' for playing it. People seem to forgive obnoxious behavior for birthdays although I'm not sure why. The band then played "Happy Birthday" complete with her nickname after I informed them of it. This seemed to slightly embarrass Ethel and quieted her down for the moment.

As the night went on, Ethel was floating around the bar like a misguided social butterfly with vertigo. My fellow coworkers and I were getting quite the laugh at her expense and she wasn't doing anything too bad so all was good. My next mistake was one that I will never forget. In walked a gaggle of very young, very nubile, very hot women. Picking out the best looking one of the group I leaned over to one of my coworkers, pointed her out, and said jokingly "do you think an old man like me can still get a hot young chick like that?" I'm not delusional enough to believe that at 33 I can bag a hot 22 year old – who am I kidding, I couldn't bag a hot 22 year old when I was 22 years old. Unfortunately for me, Ethel was now sitting next to me and heard my comments. Even worse, without telling me, she took it upon herself to try and get me laid because… all together now… that's was drinking buddies do for one another. The monster had now turned on its creator.

I stood up and headed to the bar for my next drink. Flagging down the bartender proved difficult because the place was packed. After finally receiving my beverage of choice I turned around and was stopped in my tracks. What I saw absolutely terrified me and sent ice through my veins. The previous Hottie was now sitting in my seat because Ethel had grabbed her. Now you have to understand Ethel - she's a very polite, professional person when she's sober but she tends to get bouts of Tourette Syndrome when she's drunk. It was loud with the band and I was out of earshot but it was confirmed that she pointed me out to the girl and said "He thinks you're a fucking smoking Hottie," which I never said but it's what Ethel heard. I'm not sure what else was said in the conversation but I guarantee it was blunt and to the point like "Do you want to fuck him?" Frozen like a deer in headlights I stood there in no man's land waiting to get slapped or worse. After a couple more words the Hottie stood up, walked by me without looking at me or saying a word. I wanted to grab her and apologize but she looked very annoyed and I figured the damage was done. I sat down looking straight ahead and said "I don't want to know." Ethel looked at me with a drunken retarded smile and said unconvincingly "she likes you," and started to laugh.

Keep in mind that it's a scientifically proven fact that hot women travel in packs probably for protection from drunk slobs. Without a doubt, the Hottie proceeded to march over to the other 6 or 8 Hotties and tell them to avoid me because I was looking to get some. Someday down the road I'll be sitting in a bar and a group of girls will walk in and start pointing and laughing at me, I know my luck.

I could have cut my losses and left at that point but NOOOOO, I'm a glutton for humiliation. Ethel was floating around the bar and attempts to keep tabs on her proved fruitless. I was afraid. After standing up to get my next beer and returning to my table, Ethel sat down beside me and said "I found one of my friends across the bar. I pointed you out to her and she thinks you're hot. She said she'll fuck you." I said "thanks," chugged my beer and ran out of the bar with my tail between my legs as fast as I could. Ethel's boyfriend was there so she was his responsibility now. I know what you are thinking… you're in Galen, why did you leave? As drunk as Ethel was her "friend" was probably a femininely dressed gay guy. In fact the next day Ethel couldn't remember who it was and said none of her friends were in the bar, I shudder to think what gargoyle she lined up for me. It was rumored that, by the end of the night, Ethel was singing with the band – I regret not staying long enough to see that but it was time for me to cut my losses. Let this be a lesson for you: you can't predict your drinkin' buddies' behavior when they're drunk so for the love of God, make sure you're not sober when all Hell breaks loose.

Editor's note part II: Yes I do have a girlfriend and yes she does read this blog, but she trusts me completely which will make obtaining a mistress very easy down the road. Maybe even a young Hottie, but probably not.