Paterno’s press conference through the analysis of TNL’s computers

We all know JoePa is very enigmatic when answering questions by the press, in fact he's become worse over the years as he trusts the press less and less. Some people claim to be able to speak Paternoese and get to the meaning of his answers but we're all guessing. Well that's over now because TNL is proud to present our new addition: the Paterno Analysis Machine or P.A.M. for short. P.A.M. uses state of the art text psychoanalysis techniques designed by M.I.T. to parse through Paterno's answers and filter them down to the concise meaning. Here is just a sample of what P.A.M. can do.

Q. Andrew Quarless today said that maybe things came too soon in his career. Came in as a 17 year old. How do you think he's matured? And how do you go about taking into account that maturity when deciding to play these true freshmen?
He's grown up. He was a pain in their backside for a while, but he's grown up. He's a good tight end right now. He's on the verge of being better than good. He's gotten a little careless once in a while in some things. And that's part of a process, I think, of what he's done in high school and what he did earlier with us. Little things haven't been that important to him, and that's on and off the field, and I think he's grown up and he's starting to pay attention to those things, and I think he's playing very well.

P.A.M. : <in a somewhat monotone robotic voice> WE WILL BE THROWING TO QUARLESS NOW THAT HE IS NO LONGER A DUMB-ASS.

Q. What about your kick off coverage, is that a concern?
Got to do better. Better do better. No offense to that kid (Mike Jones from Syracuse). I was worried about that kid, because he ran one back 70-something yards back (against) Minnesota, the kid that ran it back. And we were very aware of that. And we had a true freshman in there who let him get outside on the first one when he ran it back to the 40-something yard line. But, no, we've got to do a better job in that, no question about that.

P.A.M. : THE KICKOFF COVEARGE SUCKS.

Q. Can you talk a little bit about you've got some former players, Al Golden obviously played for you and Mark D'Onofrio, could you talk about the improvement with Temple with them in charge and your feelings facing former players and matching Xs and Os with them?
I think both, Al was on the (Penn State) staff for awhile and then he had a chance to go to Virginia as defensive coordinator before he became the head coach at Temple. I think he's done a real good job down there. They've had a lot of tough luck. They lost to Villanova in the last play of the ball game and as I said, had five turnovers. Gave up the ball five times. Last year they lost the ball game to Buffalo, when Buffalo won the conference championship, on the last play of the ball game. Two other games last year they lost late in the game or on the last play.

His kids have come back and been competitive. And that's what we're going to see this week. Al has not lost control of his football team. They're well-coached and disciplined. At times maybe they've had some bad luck. But if you don't lose your poise and you don't start panicking, those things start to level off a little bit.

And I think Al and Mark... Mark never coached for me but Al has and I know what kind of coach he is. Mark obviously was a very fiery player. And I'm sure the kids that play for him at his position coach are going to... he'll have them fired up. So we'll have a very emotional game Saturday. It will be emotional.

P.A.M. : HE KEEPS LOsing GAMES LATE. I DID NOT TEACH HIM THAT.

Q. Joe, do you expect Navorro Bowman to get back to practice this week, and how careful do you have to be with that kind of injury?
I don't know. He didn't do anything yesterday. We talked a little bit as a staff this morning. And I'm going to... I think he's got to start practicing pretty quick if he wants to play Saturday.

But, I haven't had a chance to talk to him today. So I'm reluctant to say. I talked to him a little bit before practice yesterday and he said it was still sore. But whether it was that sore that he can't practice today, I don't know. I think that's the doctor's and trainer's call. I don't know yet. I don't think we'll know until he gets out and tries to do a couple of things today I think he's got to do it today. I don't think we can wait until tomorrow because we've got some other kids we've got to get ready.

P.A.M. : BOWMAN BETter GET HIS ASS OUT OF THE hot TUB IF HE WANTS TO PLAY THIS week.

Q. With your conference (play) opening next week, do you sense more urgency among the players to make it through this week?
No, no. We've got Temple to play. You guys can speculate. You can talk about this and different things that are going to happen this week, next week, what happened last week kind of stuff. We really don't talk about that. I'm just trying to get our kids ready on this day. And every day, go on the practice field, get better, take care of some things and overcome some things we didn't do well and go from there.

We had a decent practice yesterday. I'm looking forward to a good one today.

P.A.M. : YOU ARE A STUPID RE-PORT-ER. WE HAD A good PRACTICE THIS WEEK UNLIKE LAST WEEK.

Q. After looking at the Syracuse game tape, I was wondering, are you going to make any changes on the offensive line?

Well, we might. We'll see what goes on this week.

P.A.M. : YOU ARE A STUPID RE-PORT-ER. I AM NOT GIVING MY GAME PLANS TO YOU. BURN IN HELL.

Q. I wonder if you could talk a little bit about Johnnie Troutman. You didn't seem real pleased with his off season workouts. But how has he come along and what stands out to you about him?
It wasn't being unhappy with his offseason workout; it was his weight. He was up to about 325. We told him he had to be under 310. I think he's now about 306, 305. Because he can't do some of the things that I think you have to be able to do in the way of stamina and quickness carrying 12, 14 pounds more than you need.

So I think he's down and I think he's getting better. He played some Saturday and he may play a lot more this Saturday. I think a lot will depend again, as I said earlier, how we practice, how he practices and how some of the other kids on the offensive line practice. But he's gotten better.

P.A.M. : TROUTMAN WAS A fat ASS BUT IS O.K. NOW THAT HE GOT OFF THE TWINKIES AND HO-HO'S.

Q. What is your impression of Temple's quarterback, Vaughn Charlton? He threw for over 300 yards against Villanova but was picked off three times.
It's a one game kind of thing, although he played some last year. He's a good, solid player. Now, the three picks, I'm not so sure they were his it's tough to tell whether the wideout ran the right lane or didn't run the right lane, whether he made an adjustment that the quarterback wasn't ready for, thought he was going to make a different adjustment or whether the timing was off. But, overall he looks like a good, solid quarterback. Knows what's going on. Got a good arm. Nice release.

So we think he's a good player. How good, it's hard for me to tell you that. But I think he's a good, solid player.

P.A.M. : IF THE DUMB ASS DOES NOT COUGH THE BALL UP WE WOULD BE PLAYING AND UN-DE-FEATED TEAM. DAMN.

Q. I know you always strive for balance between running and passing. But if the season evolves where you're getting more of your yardage passing, would you be okay with that, if you continued to win, gaining 65, 75 percent of your yardage passing?
I'd even be content to live with you guys if we win. I mean, I don't think that's even a question, really. We're going to do what we can to win. Okay? And if we win by one point because we did something that was imbalanced, to use your word "balance," that's fine. That's what we we're out there to win a football game. One at a time. And unfortunately the other guy's entitled to do some things he wants to do and he may determine how you're going to win it, if you can win it. So you don't really know what you're going to do. You just hope you're ready to do what's necessary in order to be ahead by one point at the end of the game.

P.A.M. : YOU ARE ALL STUPID RE-PORT-ERS. I HATE YOU ALL. WE TAKE EVERY GAME ONE AT A TIME.

Q. A little off topic, but there was a sign on the field last week about official petition for Paterno Field at Beaver Stadium. Have you ever given that any thought? If it came up with the university would you like that at all or would you not want that distinction at all?
I don't think about those things. I really don't. I didn't see the petition or what. I don't know that much about what it is to be dead. How much do you know what's going on after you're dead? Huh? (laughter) You look up, I don't know. Nobody's told me what happens yet. So I don't know. I think that's up to some other people to decide. Obviously, I'd be flattered and I think it would be nice. But it really isn't something I think about.

P.A.M. : of COURSE THEY WILL NAME THE FIELD AFTER ME WHEN I DIE. I'M NOT STUPID.

Q. I was curious what your take on Josh Hull's mustache was?
Has he got a mustache?

P.A.M. : I DO NOT KNOW OF THIS MUSTACHE THAT YOU SPEAK OF.

Q. You haven't seen it?
I guess I've seen it but I haven't noticed it. As long as it's not coming down to his neck, is it?

P.A.M. : OK, I'VE NOTICED IT BUT LOOK THE OTHER WAY.

Q. No?
Then he's all right. Geez, you guys must think I go around... it's like that old MASH guy, the guy that was a major in MASH, call him out and have him review (the company) every morning. No. Good kid. Great kid. Doing great. Playing well. Heck of a student. He's an engineer, 3.5 grade point average. If he wants a mustache, that's okay.

P.A.M. : HE'S PASSING CLASS. INSERT REFERENCE OF 70'S COMEDY I ONCE WATCHED.

Q. I imagine you don't pay attention to rankings too much, national rankings, but being No. 5 in the country do you ever compare your team's development to other teams?
No, don't get me into that. I don't know what we are, for crying out loud. Geez, that's the same thing hey, I honest to God, are we No. 5 is that what you're telling me?

P.A.M. : YOU ARE A STUPID RE-PORT-ER. YOU ANSWERED YOUR OWN QUESTION.

Q. Yes.
I don't know that we're No. 5. You guys don't seem to understand. I don't pay I don't read anything about us. I get the paper. I go to the bathroom. I take the paper in there and I scan it. I look at it. The first thing I do is look at who died. All right. Second thing I look at are headlines. Something that says, "Paterno is the Greatest," I read it. (laughter) If it says I'm a bum, I don't even look at it. No, I don't pay attention. What you are today isn't what you're going to be tomorrow, all right? What you're going to be tomorrow is what you make happen tomorrow.

I read the newspapers. I feel bad about the way things have gone with the newspaper business, with the guys, with the computers (Internet), getting all that stuff on. Because it's taking away some of the guys, and I think some of the great guys I've known and who wrote well who set a standard for writing, people don't realize, they were all sports writers. They were all sports writers first. Grantland Rice and those guys. I don't know, it's a different world. And I'm not part of that world. I'm really not. I love to read the newspapers. I'd love to read the sports page, but to be very frank with you, I don't because so much of it is you guys have to base on what you are getting in an e mail, what you're getting because I've talked to a couple of guys about it.

You're influenced by, what people are after you to say something because you're competing. It's like I don't even turn on the television set anymore, because one television station is anti Obama. The other one you like to have somebody have an impartial view of some things because they studied it and they know about it. And they're not being influenced by the guy that owns the paper or the guy that owns the radio station, so it's a different world and it's not the kind of world that I'm comfortable with.

That's a speech. I usually get 100 bucks for that (laughter).

P.A.M. : GAL-EN YOU AND YOUR KIND ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR DESTYOING PRINTED NEWSPAPERS. JOE LIKES TO READ WHILE ON THE CAN. OBAMA… GRANTLAND RICE…PATERNO GREAT… DOES NOT COMPUTE…. DOES NOT COMPUTE. FATAL ERR-OR… REBOOT... ERR-OR… ERR-OR….

Blog Chips: the dog lover edition

Ron "Pitbull" Mexico returns

As if it's not so easy to hate Philadelphia already, the Eagles make it even easier with the signing of dog lover and all-around good guy Michael Vick to a 2-year deal. PETA, the coalition of batshit crazy vegans, responded quickly.

"PETA and millions of decent football fans around the world are disappointed that the Eagles decided to sign a guy who hung dogs from trees. He electrocuted them with jumper cables and held them under water," PETA spokesman Dan Shannon told The Associated Press.

Andy Reid came to Vick's defense.

"This is America. ... We do make mistakes," Reid said. "He [Vick] has a chance to prove he's doing the right things." "I think our fans will understand."

Yes Andy because Philly fans are KNOWN for their kindness and understanding.

JoePa Presser

JoePa's media day transcript can be found here in its entirety. Some important points that jump out at you:

• Dennis Landolt has moved from right side tackle to left to cover Clark's blindside. We heard rumors of this but Paterno makes it official. De'Ontae Pannell will man the other tackle position.
  
• A.J. Wallace is suspended for a couple games… or not… you figure it out.

Yeah, I told A.J. I might not play him in a game or two because he cut classes. If he cuts any more classes, he won't play….I think he'll be all right. Now, when I'll play him will depend on what I hear back from our academic advisors, and find out whether he's going to class and he's doing what he's supposed to do academically. If he does, then we'll think about when we want to play him.

So is he suspended or isn't he? If the academic advisors give him the thumbs up is he going to be suspended for "a game or two" or not at all, you can read it both ways. I'm going to miss trying to decipher Joe's press conferences when he finally retires in 10 years.

• Both Lee and Bowman can play both inside and outside and Joe hasn't committed on the starting three linebackers.
  
• As was speculated by most, Zug will return punts and *gulp* Evan Royster will return kickoffs. Not cool at all. Paterno did say some of the freshman will get a look, let's all hope it's a very loooonnnnggg look.
  
• What would a press conference be without a classic Paterno exchange?

Reporter: Any thoughts on being ranked No. 8 in the coaches' poll?
Coach Paterno: Is that where we're ranked?
Reporter: Yes.
Coach Paterno: What's it mean (laughter)?

Paterno is happy to be alive:

What excites you the most about this team and this upcoming season?
Coach Paterno
What excites me? Nothing excites me yet (laughter). I'll be honest with you. We're lousy. I have nothing to be excited about right now as a team. I'm serious about that. We've got too many things we've got to get accomplished. I mean, we've got a lot of work ahead of us, I mean, to be a good football team. So I'm excited to be alive. That's about it (smiles, laughter).

• Paterno loves Royster, almost as much as we do.

  Royster is a good receiver. He's an excellent athlete, an all around athlete. I could put Royster over on defensive and he'd be a heck of a defensive back. He was the best lacrosse player in the state of Virginia when came out of high school. That's pretty good lacrosse.
  
  But I think if Green hangs onto the football, we could probably use Royster and Green in there at the same time, but put Royster at slot or put him as a wing or do something with him.

Now that would put the HD in Spread HD.

Paterno’s Teleconference Notes

Paterno spoke during the Big Ten Coaches Teleconferences and it was pretty much standard Paterno-speak but there's a few interesting comments.

At the start of spring practice, you had talked about developing a secondary that could stand on it's own feet because you had lost four starters, how have they progressed since the start of spring practice and do you like what you have seen from some of the new guys?
Not yet I haven't. I've very concerned about it. A.J. Wallace pulled a hamstring the other day. I had hoped he'd been one of the outstanding kids there. Drew Astorino has had a good spring. We have a long, long way to go to be a good secondary. We're not even close. But, they are working hard at it. Before we get to a first game in the fall I think we'll be adequate. Whether we'll be really good or not is up for grabs.

In my mind the "OMG WE'RE DOOMED!!!" positions of concern are secondary and offensive line (in that order). Secondary is first and foremost considering the shellacking last year's group took in the Rose Bowl and all those guys are gone. Wallace's injury isn't making me any less nervous, he has yet to live up to his lofty potential (at least in the secondary) and any setback is bad news. The fact that no one else has stepped up enough for Joe to even mention means it's time to raise the Nittany Lion Panic level.

We're firmly entrenched at "ELEVATED" people!

Unfortunately, none of the "journalists" asked a single question about the offensive line so we'll take this approach as far as that's concerned.

Everything's great!

Joe was asked about the "weak" non-conference schedule and he had this to say:

I haven't got the slightest idea how good or bad some of the people are going to play yet. I haven't had time to worry about anybody but our squad. To be honest, I probably couldn't tell you who the second game is who we're playing. I've tried to discipline myself to take of what you have to take care of day by day and worry about things when it's time. I know Akron is on the schedule and the reason I know why Akron is there is because they brought Walt Harris in there has been some publicity.

At least Walt Harris' tenure explains (sort of) Akron's inclusion on the schedule but the rest is really weak. I emphasized* the sentence because I would like to point out that I believe this to be somewhat misleading. And saying "somewhat misleading" is the equivalent of saying Megan Fox is "somewhat attractive."

Yeah, she' kinda cute in a wholesome schoolgirl way

I make it a point to read Paterno's transcripts through the years because you get an unfiltered look at his press conferences without the bias of a reporter and I've become pretty astute at telling when JoePa is sandbagging and this is exhibit A. Paterno watches game film constantly in the off season you know damn well he's watched Syracuse film, Hell he probably watched film of the New Orleans Saints offense because that's the unit new Cuse head coach Doug Marrone was responsible for last season.

Speaking of non-conference schedule:

What role do you have in helping to choose the non-conference schedule?
They'll say, "how about this or how about that?" Our problem is we have to play a lot of home games. We get over 100,000 people and we're committed to eight Big Ten games. The people who do the scheduling, they don't put anything on my desk and say, "hey, this is what you've got to do," they'll ask, "what do you think about this club?" We thought Texas Christian was going to come here. They backed out. They decided that wasn't in their best interest. I said, "do you want me to call Gary Patterson?" because I like him and he's a good friend and I thought it would be a good game for us. Little things like that come up, but overall in the big picture, no.

So at least I can take some solace in knowing that the Athletic Department tried to schedule someone with a pulse but I'll bet that doesn't make all the season ticket holders who shelled out a grand for two tickets feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Lastly, I give you the "I'm a stupid reporter and will proudly proclaim my ignorance at the top of the highest mountain" retarded question of the day:

Navorro Bowman had a pretty up and down season last year with some emotional issues off the field. Can you talk about how he's played this spring?
I think Navorro had a really good year last year. He ended up at the end of last year a really fine linebacker. He had family losses and things like that. He's done well. He'll be a fine linebacker for us. He's tending to his knitting in the classroom. I think he's solid right now.

Ok, I'll give the reporter a modicum of doubt here and hope when he's talking about "down" he means only off the field stuff because there was very little down in Bowman's play on the field. Additionally the second part of the question would lead one to believe the "up and down" commentary was directed toward his play which is ridiculous because Bowman was a beast last season. Bonus points for Paterno's "knitting in the classroom" analogy. JoePa's always good for one of those.

*I make it a point to never say "emphasis mine" after a quote because A) I go through life writing on this blog under the delusion that all my readers (all 5 of them) are intelligent and well informed and B) why else would there be bold face type in the middle of a freakin' quote?!?! Now let's go under these assumptions from this point forward and never speak of it again. K? Spanx!

2008 Big Ten Media Day: Joe Paterno

Look, you CAN find it on a blog.

Paterno Press Conference

Joe Paterno's Bowl game press conference was yesterday you can find the transcript here. If you don't feel like reading it all here's a summary:

• Paterno doesn't have e-mail doesn't read a paper so he has no idea that Michigan doesn't have a coach and that Bobby Bowden has named the next head coach of Florida State when he "retires."
  
• Sue does all the shopping except when Joe needs some beer. Gotta love the man.
  
• If you think he's gone after 2008, think again.
  
• Chris Baker is traveling to the bowl game – not good, not good at all.
  
• Of course Texas A&M is probably the most talented team Penn State has played all year but then again, so was temple when Penn State played them.
  
• Justin King has filed paperwork to receive an evaluation from the NFL but Joe hasn't talked with him about it. Good luck with that Justin, I doubt the NFL is looking for corners that excel at 10 yard cushions.
  
• Joe didn't know that the bowl game will be his 500^th game as a coach.
  
• Joe hasn't heard about any other assistant coaches wanting to leave but then again he (allegedly) didn't know Norwood was leaving either. I'm getting the impression that Joe is either lying or doesn't have a clue what is going on with his team.
  
• Anthony Morelli is the unsung hero of the team. Sorry I should have warned you so you didn't spit your coffee all over your monitor, my bad.
  
• Joe was asked about adding Oregon State to the schedule and he joked his response was "well, you know, is there someone easier?" You mean like Coastal Carolina Joe? Not funny, not funny at all.
  
• There were the typical hundred questions about retirement and his typical response. I'm just surprised there were no questions about his salary, is that issue forgotten by the media already?