Friday, February 06, 2009

Michael Phelps and Mo Evans have something in common

And it appears to be their love of Mary Jane. The whole deal with Phelps took fire when this photo was revealed by a tabloid.

Now Phelps acted like a man, admitted his mistake, took full responsibility, and apologized. Here at TNL, we fully understand the social pressures that weigh on the decisions of a young man and while we would never, ever, EVER drink too much alcohol or smoke an illegal drug like pot… ever…

*awkward silence*

*sound of crickets chirping*

…we don't judge a man for making a mistake, especially when said person "mans-up" and admits his folly (take notes Barry Bonds). Apparently we're not alone, most of his major sponsors, while not condoning his actions, have stood by him. Companies like Visa Inc., Speedo, luxury Swiss watchmaker Omega and sports beverage PureSport's maker Human Performance Labs. Unfortunately there is one company that just can't forgive our beleaguered friend and that is Michigan-based sugar peddler Kellogg whose official statement is this:

Michael Phelps's behavior is "not consistent with the image of Kellogg."

Ah yes the "image" of Kellogg… do you by chance mean the Enriched Flour, High Fructose Corn Syrup laden sugar blankets you call:

Pop Tarts?

Or maybe the chocolate covered death wafers you call Chips Deluxe Chocolate Chip with Fudge Stripe cookies? You know, the cookies that have 110 calories and 6g of fat per fucking COOKIE*

I see the image you're going after Kellogg, forget the svelte swimming star with the eight gold medals whose prone to make the same mistakes most Americans make, no you apparently would prefer something more this style.

Since you are out a spokesperson, may I suggest something a little more appropriate for your artery clogging snacks, someone that gets your point across but can never die… how about the fat Homer Simpson in a Mu-mu?

Nothing says good eats like Homer in a cape and mu-mu!

Now I'm not saying Phelps should get a pass, another slip-up like this and something should be done but let's give the guy a break, he's only human and it's not like he got caught snorting blow of a dead hookers ass, it was a hit of pot. He made his mistake, apologized and it's time to move on. I'll tell you what, if Kellogg wants to sit on such a high horse… fine… Monday morning lets drug test every Kellogg corporate official. I'm talking every middle manager up to the CEO, let's screen them all for every drug under the sun. If everyone passes then they can pull their sponsorship but if just one fails it sure would look a bit hypocritical now wouldn't it? I'm willing to bet we could find some stuff a lot more interesting then pot in the company pond. What say you Kellogg? Deal?

*don't bother telling me they're good, I know they're good, everything that is bad for you tastes great, I'll bet they would taste especially good when you're high… or so I've heard.