Master of Puppets is Coming to Happy Valley

Breaking News from University Park, PA. Following weeks of speculation and noting a need to move onto “the next chapter in his family’s life,” Karl Rove has elected to join Pennsylvania State University behind the scenes in the Athletic Department. It’s an unexpected step following his resignation from the White House on August 31. According to sources, Rove doesn’t expect to slow down much when he arrives on campus. He had initially indicated intentions to take a brief vacation, however instead plans on aggressively pursuing an agenda to quickly achieve lofty expectations given the presumed short timetable for success. Coach Joe Paterno seemingly acknowledging the end of his career approaching and the desire win another national title is taking a rather unorthodox approach to achieve that goal.

I, I, I’ve got four undefeated, unrewarded teams [’68, ’69, ’73, ’94] and uhh I’m not getting any younger, I mean I need someone to you know come in and and grease the rails for me during the season. Uhh, my focus is strictly on on the aspects on the field and frankly I, I, I don’t have the time nor uhh the inclination to get involved in the politicking and the the ... you know that's required in the modern game.

Not satisfied with simply winning one national title this year, Rove has been promising the coach, now entering his 42nd year at the helm, 2 championships in a single year. How does he plan on accomplishing such a feat? By eliminating the top 2 teams in 2005, Penn State will be left to claim the crystal football of the ADT National Championship Trophy by means of their number 3 finish. First in his sights are noted humanitarian Pete Carroll and his beautiful, angel school, USC. The NCAA should begin to see the cooperation they have found elusive to this point in the Reggie Bush investigation, such information could wind up retroactively wiping out any records from when he was enrolled and a possible “Death Penalty” for the program. There is a clamoring from some the more extreme factions of the fan base to twist the knife further and dig a little into a couple recruits that spurned PSU’s advances, namely Vidal Hazelton and Broderick Green. Never one to disappoint his constituency, particularly at the extremes, Rove intends smear them regardless of what he finds and work to have they ruled ineligible saying:

If that [expletive] Pete Carroll wants to have 12 running backs on the roster, I can make sure that’s all USC will be left to put on the field for this season.

Harder to achieve will be the removal of Texas, but ever hopeful, Rove has said not to doubt his machinations. To ensure the National Title this year, a list of uncooperative voters is being assembled and will soon be “politely” asked to revisit their ballots. Those unwilling to fall in line may face the same fate as Bobby Bowden and Michigan referees, taken away and deemed enemy combatants or simply made to disappear entirely. Needless to say, expectations should be high this fall in State College, start making room for a couple more trophies in the display case. Very exciting news indeed.