Michigan State needs head examined

With the end of John ELL Smith’s tenure as head coach of Michigan State fast approaching, the search for a new coach is on. There are a lot of options out there and some Sparty fans are hoping for Steve Mariucci, Pat Shurmur, or hated rival D-coordinator Ron English; but we at TNL think conventional wisdom doesn’t work for this team. No, the coaching job at a school with MSU’s psychological disorder requires someone of a much different makeup. Forget gridiron masterminds, Michigan State needs help in the psyche department first and foremost. With that in mind we give you the TNL top candidates for the Michigan State head coaching job.

Dr. Phil McGraw
Pros
Dr. Phil has a Masters in experimental psychology and a Doctorate in clinical psychology. He is a big proponent of self-help; something Michigan State desperately needs. Although he was injured and forced to transfer to Midwestern State University, Phil was given a football scholarship to attend the University of Tulsa. His football knowledge will come in handy when dealing with neurotic players.

Cons
Dr. Phil’s focus is on behavior modification therapy — that is, changing a behavior without necessarily investing time in discovering the cause of an unwanted behavior. Michigan State needs a long journey of self-discovery if they are ever to get past their deep psychological disorder; Phil’s 1-hour photo, drive-through, quick fix mentality will only mask the deeper issues until they fester and manifest themselves in a more horrific way. With Phil in charge you know Oprah will be hanging around especially when the team sits down for their pre-game meal. Oprah’s Herculean intake of food will probably cause a couple players malnutrition, especially on buffet day.

Dr Marvin Monroe
Pros
Dr Monroe was once Mr. Burns' therapist and anyone that can handle the kind of twisted evil thought processes running around Burns’ brain surely can handle some college kids. His unconventional use of electroshock therapy on the Simpson family is just the kind of pain/negative reinforcement MSU needs. After a tough loss, sit them down in chairs wired to one another and watch game film. When someone does something bad, shock the hell out of them. It’s the kind of desperate measure that just might work.

Cons
Nobody really knows the current status of Dr. Monroe. Some theorize that he is dead, but indications of his existence appear every now and then. If he is alive, no one knows where he is in Springfield or for that matter no one really cares. His allusive nature won’t go over well with the media.

Dr. Frasier Crane
Pros
Frasier is an intellectual that studied at Harvard and Oxford University. Although his first love is the arts and not sports, he could easily rely on help from his dad, Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe, or Norm. Anyone that has spent as much time as Frazier has drinking beer with Norm, must have picked up a thing or two about football. He is obsessive about his work and his attention to detail will serve him well as coach. With his drive to give advice he would be sure to enforce an open door policy; like he says “I’m listening.”

Cons
Crane strongly believes that "there are no accidents" and that every action carries with it a meaningful and unconscious subtext, which would cause him to overanalyze and fret about every minor detail. Timeouts would be wasted while Frazier tries to figure out what childhood faux pas lead to the psychological torment that led to his running back’s fumble. He is prone to ignore the (usually wise and appropriate) advice given to him instead going down his own path. After a win Frazier’s arrogance would lead him to conclude that he can indeed coach which would lead to the team’s downfall. In addition, we all know he’s “book smart” from his credentials but he’s not smart enough to bang the hot therapist living in his apartment before his brother did. Furthermore he lost his wife, Lilith Sternin, to the Eco-pod.

Sigmund Freud
Pros
Who could handle the mental train wreck that is Michigan State football better then “the father of psychoanalysis" himself? Freud’s theories of the unconscious mind, especially involving the mechanism of repression, could get straight to the deep disturbing problems that cause the yearly collapse at MSU. If there ever was a sex scandal involving a player, Freud’s could easily place blame on the guilty party’s mother, as he was prone to do. Freud wouldn’t need a desk – just a comfy couch and plenty of time.

Cons
He’s dead, but we can get around that. With the Democrats back in power, Orwellian policy such as cloning can’t be far off. With accelerated genetic engineering we could easily have a full-grown Freud clone by next season. Freud was an early user and proponent of cocaine as an antidepressant – that’s a Pandora's box waiting to explode. Regular drug tests would need to be administered to anyone associated with the Athletic department. Freud was infatuated with women especially pertaining to his theory of the Oedipus complex. Let’s face it, he was a perv. Freud would be completely useless in the early August – September games with ESPN sideline bunnies running around. He wouldn’t be helpful to the team until the weather gets cold and Erin Andrews has to put on a coat.

Yeah, Freud wouldn't make it! (pic courtesy of The House Rock Built - speaking of pervs)

Jennifer Melfi
Pros
If a psychiatrist can treat the panic attacks of Tony Soprano while handling the gruesome reality that is the life of organized crime, she can surely handle the disturbing minds and gruesome football that is Michigan State. If Melfi can keep a professional relationship with Tony without giving into her visceral thrill of hooking up with a mobster, she can resist any temptation thrown at her as a football coach. Her adhearence to strict doctor-patient confidentiality will help when facing dogging questions from the media.

Cons
Melfi’s ties with organized crime won’t help in recruiting or in the court of public opinion, even though she may have nothing to do with it. When guys named Paulie and Uncle Junior start showing up at fundraisers, her integrity may come into question. Furthermore, she has schoolgirl good looks, something that may not mesh to well with a testosterone filled locker room.

Ivan Pavlov
Pros
Pavlov was a Nobel Prize winning psychologist and physician widely known for his experiments in classical conditioning or associative learning. He could easily condition his players to respond to external stimuli when they start to show signs of nuttiness. Simple timeouts don’t seem to snap MSU out of their second half funks so something more drastic is needed to get their full attention. Pavlov could call a timeout, ring a bell and have 11 salavating players stairing at him at full attention. If reinfoced properly, the players could completely forget that they are giving up a 3 touchdown lead and perhaps focus on playing like they did while amasing the shrinking margin they now cling to.

Cons
Dead – not a problem - see Sigmund Freud. Although the stimuli – response training could work beautifully, it could be used against the players. If opposing coaches could figure out the stimuli used to get the players attention, they could use it on important plays against MSU’s defense. The sight of all 11 players running to the sideline while the opponent trots unobstructed into the endzone on a 4th down play wouldn’t be pretty.

We hope the Michigan State administration will take our suggestions seriously, because the Spartans need more help then just a good football coach, they need psychiatric help.