Listen up dumbasses, because I’m not going to repeat myself. Fibbs here, that’s Mr. Fibbs to you punks and I’m here to talk about my favorite waste of time: Fantasy Football. The kids at The Nittany Line pay me in cases of Schlitz malt liquor and 99 cent porn, so I have better things to do. Before I look at the pros I want to know, what is up with these college punks getting into trouble with guns? You’ve got Miami players pulling pistols on people, Tarell Brown caught driving around with a loaded 9 mm, and don’t even get me started with Maurice Clarett. Now I’ve been through Nam and this kind of stuff really chaps my ass. If these little jerkoffs need to play with guns I say round them up and ship them over to Baghdad, then they’ll see what some real gunplay is. Now let’s get down to business.
Biggest Fantasy Disappointments
Larry Johnson RB KC – I told those dingbats at The Line that Johnson was too big for his britches, but no!! Does anyone listen to me? Thank God Galen didn’t have the first pick or he’d be crying in his beer. Yeah Johnson had 148 total yards, but for a top 3 pick he sucked. In most leagues he wasn’t even in the top 10 in scoring and with Trent Green knocked autistic, he won’t see anything but supersized portions of turf. Do yourself a favor and trade him to some unsuspecting moron in your league for 2 good players, you won’t regret it.
Drew Bledsoe QB DAL – Yeah SDIAB is gonna cry foul, but this guy is like one of those cheap Korean cars: looks good at the start, but quickly turns to crap. This guy threw 3 interceptions and only 246 yards and that’s with super ego freak Terrell Owens in the lineup, which was supposed to make him better! Awful. Trade him for a pack of cigarettes if you can get them.
Chad Johnson WR CIN – Chad was left hanging this week catching a whopping 48 yards with no touchdowns and a helpful 2 first downs. I caught more in a Saigon POW camp. I can’t believe I took a bullet in my ass to watch garbage like this. Someone send Johnson some Pepto. Loudmouth jerk.
Biggest Fantasy Surprises
Donovan McNabb QB PHI –Talk about someone that looks like he’s just had a giant painful boil lanced from his ass, McNabb threw for 314 yards and 3 touchdowns. It would be easy to put Kurt Warner here, but he played something that resembled Penn State’s defensive effort last Saturday.
LaDainian Tomlinson RB SD – Yeah, I know this is an easy pick, but with Philip “Screwdriver” Rivers running the show, the San Diego offense resembles something more like the Muppet Show then a professional football team. A lot of fantasy football geeks thought Tomlinson would be shut down because teams are more scared of butterflies then they are of Screwdriver Rivers. Tomlinson had 131 yards and a touchdown and will probably put his foot up the ass of a lot of teams in the same fashion.
Jerricho Cotchery WR – Quick trivia question: who does this guy play for? It’s the Jets, dumbasses. The guy that has a name that sounds like a sexually transmitted disease caught 6 passes for 65 yards and a touch. He’ll probably disappear under the rock he came from in week 2, but he’ll probably be one of the top guys on your wavier wire, because fantasy football is always filled with nearsighted retards.
My work here is done, until next week; keep dreaming the good dream fruitcakes.
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2 comments:
I think Randy Moss has to go down as a fantasy dud if only because the Raiders line can't give Brooks any time to pass to him.
Yeah, Moss has a double whammy, bad offensive line giving bad quarterback no time to throw. I can't see how Brooks is a gigantic improvement over Collins.
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