Monday, January 14, 2008

Hello, Welcome to the Offseason

Good afternoon, student-athletes, we welcome you back to classes for the Spring Semester and hope you enjoyed your time off. Last year, you and your fellow teammates made an impressive showing in the Fulmer Cup standings, thankfully an outstanding team effort by the Illini, prevented us from bringing the trophy back to Happy Valley. No one really contended for the Ellis T. Jones Golden Taser Award for Individual Achievement, just a spectacular mix smaller incidents that resulted in an awful whole.

This year we would strongly advise you to not repeat last year’s offseason performance. The goal is to have an entirely clean record for the year and avoid a similar embarrassment. To better assist you, the Athletic department will be collecting all crossbows this afternoon and asks that you do not use your phones for prank calls. Team leaders: it is time for you to step up. If you’re asking who the team leaders are, you’re not one of them, a leader doesn’t need to be told to lead, it’s an instinctive trait. Look out for yourselves and each other, the DA has a hard-on for players on this team and will prosecute regardless of how weak or without merit his case may be. Do not fan the flames.

We are realistic and understand you inhabit a college campus. Alcohol will be present at many of your destinations. It is unlawful to consume alcoholic beverages if you are under 21. Be smart about your drinking, don’t overdo it, do not vomit in the streets and do not get behind the wheel of a car. Don’t put yourself in the hospital. This is State College, if you can’t walk your ass anywhere to drink, you probably shouldn’t be going. Respect women and realize, “No means no.” You are football players, you’re swimming in tail, no need to go upstream for it, just go with the flow. It’s best to avoid them if you’ve seen their name scribbled on any stalls and always wear a condom, avoid baby mama drama. Also, it’s best avoid the clap whenever possible.

Listen, chances are you can pummel the vast majority of the surrounding population. Sleep comfortably at night knowledgeable of that fact, there’s no need go out to reinforce it. Add into the equation alcohol (liquid courage) and it lowers common sense and raises strength and you may find yourself in a nasty mess. You need to be strong enough to walk away and never initiate a conflict. Keeping it real can go horribly wrong. A scuffed shoe is just a scuffed shoe and a spilled beer is just a spilled beer, neither of which required physical retribution.

If someone asks you “If you want to do the man dance?” The correct answer is always, “NO.”

Instead, we ask you put your energy to productive means, work out, run, improve quickness, get together with your teammates and do some rudimentary drills together. Build a rapport, figure out timing, learn tendencies and help each other. After all a productive offseason can lead to a better season next year.

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