Friday, September 22, 2006

Fantasy Report

by staff reporter Itell Fibbs

Fibbs here, that’s Mr. Fibbs to you dumbasses. I’m back again to talk some Fantasy Football, because reality sucks. What’s wrong with the Eagles? How do you blow a 17 point lead in the fourth quarter? Pathetic. Speaking of disasters, what pee wee league did Houston pilfer to get their defense? Manning twisted the Texans like a potato through a curly fry maker, and I love curly fries. Let’s get to business.

Biggest Fantasy Surprises

Rex Grossman QB CHI – Donovan McNabb would occupy this spot if it were not for the meltdown in the forth quarter against the Giants, everyone is to blame in that loss. Check the waiver wire, I’ll bet Grossman is still there. With 551 yards and 5 touchdowns, Grossman is making geeks that drafted him look like Fantasy Gods. Depending on your scoring system, Grossman has almost as many points as Peyton the shredder. His emergence will open up Chicago’s running game because defensive coordinators can’t cheat anymore, and no one likes a cheat.

Frank Gore RB SF – Just like his name, what’s left of defenses after Frank gets done is nothing fun to look at. Gore has more yards then Larry Johnson and LaDainian Tomlinson along with three TD’s. I’ll bet someone in your league is beating their head off the wall because this guy’s sitting on their bench. Smack them in the back of the head once for me.

Laveranues Coles WR NYJ – Quick, which receiver has the most yards in the NFL? Harrison? No. Fitzgerald? Forget it. Owens? WAAAAAA my finger! No. It’s Coles. This guy has been brilliant and what makes me laugh is Galen has him sitting on his bench the last two games. Nice job, retard. Guess I have to beat you over the head until you get the message. Hello?! Throwing you a bone here, wake up.

Biggest Fantasy Disappointments

Hines Ward WR PIT – 7 catches 82 yards receiving might be ok on an off day for a top wide receiver but it’s garbage for a two game stretch. Wonder how many Fantasy games this guy has blown for owners. If stinking up the place and riding the short bus to the game is on Ward’s objectives this year, mission accomplished.

J.P. Losman QB BUF – Where’s your Quarterback from? Bet you didn’t say Tulane, but Buffalo did. They need to add and extra ‘s’ in the middle of his name for obvious reasons. If it was not for playing the hapless Dolphins in week 2, Buffalo would be winless. What did Loss-man contribute to the win Sunday? An eye-popping 83 yards, hell McGahee had more rushing yards. Year to date stats: 247 yards passing and one TD. Manning has that in one quarter, fruitcake. Even his picture looks disheveled as his play.

Hair care products: Lard and an a hand held mixer

Cadillac Williams RB TB – Cadillac? More like Chevette! Someone wake Williams up, he has a game Sunday. After 1100 yards and change last year, fantasy ding dongs were thinking this guy will kick ass. Well after 2 games he has a total of 59 yards and no touchdowns. There are backups with far more yards. It doesn’t help that Simms is having a terrible year at quarterback as well, but when you only score 3 points in the first two games, you’ve got offensive trouble. With Chevette Williams plugging along at 2.6 yards a clip, don’t look for a scoring explosion anytime soon.


Until next time ying-yangs: Fibbs has left the building.

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