Betty’s Bets

by Staff handicapper Betty Urass

Betty here… the nice boys at The Nittany Line have asked me to help them out picking football games. Now I’m not some college football expert but I do know a lot of good people here in Perry County, Pennsylvania and we may be a tad rural but we are just as normal as the next person and we love our football.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati +8
Why just the other day I was talking to Doc Johnson that has the nice free clinic down on Main Street and he was telling me how he was a Pitt graduate and how good the Panthers are this year. He said he’s played football too, and he’s a very large man so I believe him. Now I don’t know any other Pitt graduates but big Doc Johnson did a fine job of clearing up my niece’s woman problems after her trip to the Philippines. She didn’t tell me what the problems were but she did say she can’t give blood for 10 years now. I don’t know what that means, but she’s such a nice girl. The good doctor said Pitt is a lock and I believe him.
Betty’s bet: Pittsburgh

Georgia at South Carolina +3
My cousin Mary Ellen lived in Georgia once and her husband Billy Ray is a huge Georgia fan, why they even got a satellite dish for their doublewide just so Billy Ray can catch all the games, that is, unless he’s on the road. Mary Ellen even watches some sports now that she’s on disability because well… she’s a tad on the heavy side. It’s ironic; if she didn’t spend so much time watching her “stories” she probably wouldn’t be so heavy. Billy Ray was originally from South Carolina until he had to move because of some “unpleasantness” as he puts it, he’s on some list now, and can’t be within 500 yards of any high schools, but when he moved here he met Mary Ellen, and he knows a thing or two about South Carolina football. Billy Ray says Georgia’s gonna woop up on them. I also hate the horrible phallic reference in the South Carolina mascot’s name. I just call them Gammys and as far as I’m concerned, with potty mouths like that they deserve to lose.
Betty’s bet: Georgia

Minnesota at California -7.5
Imus, the nice man that cleans my gutters, was telling me the other day that he went to school in California before the Silo accident with the Skid Loader on farmer Brown’s farm. Now Imus ain’t right in the head anymore but he’s not dumb, he just mumbles to himself a lot and sings show tunes to every fire hydrant he passes on the street… other then that he’s real nice man. He said California is as futile as a one legged cat trying to bury a turd on a marble floor. He also said Gophers scare him, not the football ones, the animal ones. I’m with him, those things may look cute, but man can they bite.
Betty’s bet: Minnesota

UCF at Florida –23
The other day I was talking to Sharon Peters, the nice lady that donates material to our quilt sewing group at the Presbyterian church, and she said that Florida is overrated because of their first week success. Now I don’t know if she’s right or not, but she sure is popular with the fellows so I would imagine she knows a thing or two about football. That and she spends a LOT of time down at big Doc Johnson’s clinic, probably to talk football.
Betty’s bet: UCF

Penn State at Notre Dame -7.5
That nice man Joe Paterno visited Perry County once way back in the sixties, before we had the town well and drank from the river. He was so nice and shook hands with the locals, now I know he won’t ever be back since one of farmer Brown’s 30 hound dogs had his way with Joe’s leg, but he limped out of town without much of a fuss. Also, we have a ban on Catholics in Perry county since the Pope declared us an unholy cesspool after his only visit a long time ago, which wasn’t very nice. We’ll show him unholy cesspool: Go Lions!
Betty’s bet: Penn State

Ohio State at Texas +2.5
Now I know that sweet dog Brandi picked Ohio State, but I was talking to one of the other reporters for The Nittany Line who lives a few counties over from Perry and he said that he thinks Texas is the real deal. He should know he spent a lot of time in Texas on the professional wrestling circuit. Why he even changed his name to Justin Inch when he set a Guinness record for being the tallest midget professional wrestler. Justin kept yelling “bust a nut,” “bust a nut” over and over again and I’m not sure why he was yelling at our Bridge Club meeting when we were talking about the annual bake sale, but I can’t go against such enthusiasm.
Betty’s bet: Texas

Thanks for reading and check back next week for more of Betty’s bets.