Penn State Unveils “Doomsday Machine”

(University Park, PA) Scientists around the world are excited by the news coming out of central Pennsylvania yesterday. Coaches designed an offense went so far into a shell it actually collapsed in on itself temporarily creating black holes repeatedly throughout Saturday’s contest against Ohio State. A CERN spokesman was quoted as saying, “we’re left feeling a bit silly actually, we had thought that we needed to build large devices such as the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) to observe such small phenomena, when, it seems, the same results could have been produced on the much smaller scale of an American Football field.”



Asked after the game why there was not a concerted effort to push the ball down the field, even when trailing by more than one score late in the third quarter, Jay Paterno responded, “I think we mesmerized by the scientific breakthroughs we were achieving out there. That’s the kind of thing you work your whole life to see just once and we did it almost every time the offense lined up. The possibilities of what could be uncovered in the future by our discovery are limitless” For his part, Jim Tressel seemed gracious, “I’m jealous, I’ve been on the verge of that achievement so many times and darn it they beat me to it, but I’m really happy for Joe. If I couldn’t do it, I’m glad he’s the one that beat me. I'll just have to settle for a victory in the game this year.”

The crowd seemed less enthused as they began streaming out early in the second half. “I came to watch a football game, not participate in an experiment,” claimed an unnamed spectator, “you’re playing God, I’d prefer not to be witness to Armageddon if they inadvertently end up creating a black hole large enough to consume the solar system. It’s just wrong, you’re messing with powers you don’t fully comprehend.” Early review of the data indicates no such threat exists, but the staff is still awaiting endorsement by the American Physical Society. Regardless, Police are expecting throngs of protesters to flood the area this Saturday for Penn State’s contest against Indiana.