Headbutts To All This Holiday Season

Merry Christmas from Wesley Willis and The Nittany Line!

Merry Christmas from TNL

May you all have a very merry Christmas and may that ugly tie you get from your aunt never see the light of day again.

Merry Christmas from TNL or as the TNL official spokesman Achmed the dead terrorist would say:

Merry Christmas, I KILL YOU!

TNL Christmas Etiquette Guide Redux

First off there's the matter of football – Penn State safeties coach Brian Norwood has left Penn State for a job that actually pays; he's the new defensive coordinator at Baylor. I kid of course but really, if Paterno is making half a mil what could the safeties coach possibly make? Not much.

Anyhoo on to the fun stuff, I'm not one of those bloggers that toots his own horn and I hate reposting things I did in the past because it comes off as arrogant at times but I am particularly proud of this post I threw together last year around Christmas time and since my readership has grown since last year (there's now 6 of you instead of 2) I thought I'd repost it in hopes of boosting everyone's X-mas spirit. Enjoy.

We are now officially into the full-fledged Christmas season and it’s time to lay down some laws. We all know the little “hidden” rules that follow the holiday season, the one’s developed by politically correct thugs that serve no real purpose in life other then restricting fun. Rules like don’t make a pig of yourself and show restraint at the company Christmas party. Well, we say BS! Here are the real rules to follow this holiday season and anyone that doesn’t is un-American and supports terrorists. So ask yourself: do you support terrorists? I thought not.

-Christmas cards are for losers. How much effort does it take to buy a rubber-stamped, assembly line piece of cardboard? Here’s an idea – if you really care about someone, call them up and wish them a Happy Holidays; if you can’t spare the time for a call, then they aren’t that important to you, stop the charade.

-Fruitcake sucks! If someone offers it to you as a gift, offer an equivalent flaming bag of shit in return. The very least a person can do is stuff some store-bought cookies in a Ziploc bag. Have some standards.


-Eggnog is only available one time of year – take advantage. Granted the stuff has about 15,000 calories per 8 ounce glass but it’s damn tasty. Even better is the inventive person that adds alcohol to it - now that’s a person of fine standards.

-Dec. 19 is the official start of Bowl Season: grab a beer, hit the couch, and let the vegetation begin. Make sure everyone knows you will be unavailable until sometime in early 2007 2008. If they don’t like it; tough, they will have to live with it. The bowls are the Oktoberfest of the college football season and the last chance to stuff in as much football as possible before the bleak months ahead – celebrate appropriately.

-Office parties are a chance for YOU to fleece the COMPANY. Drink and eat like you’re on death row and execution day is tomorrow. This is the one time that you can get shit-faced at a company event, piss everyone off telling them how you feel, and get away with it. Only the worst bosses in the world hold employees accountable for what goes on at the company X-mas party; it’s a get-out-of-jail-free-card experience.

-If you aren’t eating yourself into a coma you’re not doing something right. Christmas parties are a celebration; stuff yourself like the fat pig you are and be happy. Friends and relatives have spent a lot of time and effort preparing the food for you; show your appreciation by devouring large amounts of it.


-If you find a particularly tasty cookie at the desert table, like Peanut Blossoms, stand and guard them like you’re a lineman protecting Troy Smith in the championship game (Michigan fans substitute Chad Henne here). The really good cookies are always the first to go, forearm shiver anyone that attempts to take one.

-If the party you are attending has a vegetable tray as an appetizer, leave - they’re Communists. Vegetables should only be served as a side dish with profound amounts of cheese or in casserole format – anything else is unacceptable. Don’t even explain yourself, leave and head to a party that has a summer sausage/cheese platter, the very smell of which could cause myocardial infarction.

-Waiting till the absolute last minute to Christmas shop is a man’s God-given right, don’t be ashamed. Do you really think the sweatshirt you will get had anymore thought put into it then the couple hours you will spend shopping (gee honey, a PSU T-shirt, how did you know)? Furthermore, this is the ONLY time of year that the malls are working for you and not against you. Stores have special sales for last minute shoppers and the only other people in the mall will be guys – all the women finished shopping weeks ago. Buy something expensive and shinny and hit the mall bar to catch the game. If your mall doesn’t have a bar, what the hell are you doing there?

-It is perfectly acceptable to live off of cold turkey sandwiches and Bud Light the week between Christmas and New Year’s. You will also need copious amounts of naptime to refuel your football-watching machine. Be proud of who you are: a football junkie.

-Just because your team failed to make it to a bowl is no excuse to skip watching football. Adopt a team like Rutgers, root like crazy, and tell your nagging significant other to go to Hell; it’s the last chance for real football.

-Know your limits….. so you can set new ones. Limits are for quitters - remember back in college when you woke up under an overturned couch sandwiched next to someone you met at that Frat party the night before? Did you reach your limit that night? Did you know what your limit was? HELL no, you had no limits. Live like that again.

Brandi the Wonderdog says: limits are for wusses

There you have it, the TNL guidelines to good Holiday etiquette. Now go be clinically merry and fill yourself with certifiably insane cheer. January is just around the corner, you might as well set the bar low so your New Year’s resolution won’t be that hard to reach.

Blue & White Roundtable goes Christmas shopping

It's Wednesday and that means Blue & White roundtable and this week I've got the questions and the rest have your answers so be sure and check them out. Of course I answer myself so it's kinda like I'm a tad on the insane side which I am.

B&W Roundtable Posse
William F. Yurasko
There Is No Name On My Jersey
The Nittany Notebook
William Yurasko
Black Shoe Diaries
RUTS

It appears that Penn State is a lock for the Alamo Bowl, at this point are you ready to jump on a plane and head to San Antonio or is this game a TiVo moment while you find better things to do like clean the bathroom?

Galen: I actually have a friend in Texas that would be more than happy to let me stay if I headed down to the bowl game. Having said that… no thanks I'm not spending good money and vacation time to go watch this team. Mike from BSD and Run from RUTS have both said this before and I agree, it's very easy to dislike this team and I don't mean their play it's very easy to dislike these players on a personal basis. Between multiple fights, sexual assaults and public drunkenness, it's easy to just want this season to end and hopefully get rid of some of the bad apples that are rotting away the rest of the bunch.

Nick: I’ll watch it live on television. I have never traveled to a Penn State bowl game. I almost did go to the Orange Bowl, but packages were just too insanely expensive. The BCS bowls are the only bowls I would consider paying to travel to, traveling around the holidays is hectic enough and the game needs to be worth it, but I will make time to watch it for sure.

The rumor mill about the vacant Michigan coaching job is just getting started – who do you think ends up the next Skunkbear's head coach?

Galen: The rumor of Kirk Ferentz leaving Iowa to coach Michigan makes me want to laugh out loud. Don't get me wrong, the Michigan job is attractive to any coach and Ferentz is a great man and a good coach but he's also a smart guy; he's not going to leave Big Ten school A to coach Big Ten school B and slit his own throat. He's been loyal to Iowa and they've returned the favor so he's not going to create a new rivalry between Iowa and Michigan just to coach the Wolverines. I think Les Miles is a done deal it's just going to take a fake "national search" by Michigan so they can say to their Alumni and boosters that they did everything to ensure that Michigan got the best man and that man is Miles.

Nick: I really have no idea, Kirk Ferentz may have been announced by the time this is posted, but just for the hell of it let me say Bill Callahan – people want a more open offense in Ann Arbor, more than “throwing rock”, and he took Nebraska away from run, run, run, and run some more to pass. I’m sure he could even find a game plan to beat us if he was the coach at Michigan. I imagine this could beat us as the coach of Michigan, that’s just our luck:

Last week we had your list of the three players that vastly exceeded your preseason expectations, I'm a pessimistic prick (my friends call me captain morale) so name me the three players you had high preseason expectations for that have totally let you down.

Galen:

#1) I made number one big and bold so I can get the point across that there's a huge gap between one and the rest. Without a doubt the biggest disappointment this season was Austin Scott. What a waste of great talent. This kid never matured and never figured out the sacrifice that is necessary to become an elite running back and he had all the tools to accomplish it. Regardless of the outcome of the sexual assault trial, Scott should have never been in the situation he was in. Everyone thought he could have a breakout season this year and it never came close to happening.

2) Speaking of public intoxication, Andrew Quarless checks in at number two. With a breakout freshmen season a lot was expected of Quarless, but he got kicked off the team, ended up in Joe's doghouse and played poorly when he finally saw the field. He made boneheaded mistakes and really wasn't the matchup problem we all thought he'd be.

3) While Anthony Morelli threw for over 2500 yards with 18 TD's and only 9 INT's, a lot of that came against the sugary part of Penn State's schedule and as I stated earlier this week, in big games he often fizzled out and so did Penn State's chances of winning.

Nick: Justin King – by far the biggest disappointment of the season, hands down, all the talk coming into this year was that this was going to be his last season before jumping to the NFL. It made sense, last year he was great, however, this year he has been badly exposed in several games and has no choice but to return for his senior season. Hopefully, he takes the challenges that have come up seriously and work hard to sure up all aspects of his game going into next year.
Andrew Quarless – I was expecting a monster year from him this season and despite having to sit the first couple games, really never had any doubts about him. In reality, he’s been terribly inconsistent and dropping lots of important balls, the Illinois dropped TD replays in my head as I’m writing this.
Austin Scott – this one pains me, because I saw him when he was a world-beater, an amazing, once-in-a-lifetime performer. He ran for 3,863 yards and 53 touchdowns his senior year in high school leading Parkland to their first state championship in football. It was really something to behold.

Lightning Round

The BCS is a total mess right now who ends up in the championship game?

Galen: I'm praying for West Virginia and Ohio State because both conferences are considered "weak" by many and it would really, really piss off the SEC… you know the guys that DON'T want a playoff system.

Nick: West Virginia will play Ohio State, sorry Missouri.

Will the BCS shakeup this year finally cause coaches to start pushing for some sort of playoff (I'm looking in your direction SEC)?

Galen: No there will be a lot of whining and the BCS will get changed again but we're not going to see a playoff any time soon.

Nick: Coaches? Maybe, JoePa has wanted a playoff as long as I can remember. AD’s? Not so much. Bowl officials? Definitely not. I don’t foresee a playoff ever being instituted in major college football. At this point I would be willing to accept a Big Ten, where every team plays each other and doesn’t their season a month earlier than everyone else.

In honor of Black Friday, are you the type of guy that a) Christmas shops early and puts a lot of thought into your gifts b) waits until the last minute and buys whatever's left on the shelf c) gets everything from E-bay & Amazon or d) has a significant other that does all the shopping for you (bonus points if that significant other reads your blog)?

Galen: Without a doubt I'm a last minute guy the way God intended men to shop, although online shopping is getting more and more attractive every year.

Nick: I try to shop early and put thought in whenever possible, but will rush around at the last minute if all else fails.

TNL Christmas Etiquette Guide

We are now officially into the full-fledged Christmas season and it’s time to lay down some laws. We all know the little “hidden” rules that follow the holiday season, the one’s developed by politically correct thugs that serve no real purpose in life other then restricting fun. Rules like don’t make a pig of yourself and show restraint at the company Christmas party. Well, we say BS! Here are the real rules to follow this holiday season and anyone that doesn’t is un-American and supports terrorists. So ask yourself: do you support terrorists? I thought not.

-Christmas cards are for losers. How much effort does it take to buy a rubber-stamped, assembly line piece of cardboard? Here’s an idea – if you really care about someone, call them up and wish them a Happy Holidays; if you can’t spare the time for a call, then they aren’t that important to you, stop the charade.


-Fruitcake sucks! If someone offers it to you as a gift, offer an equivalent flaming bag of shit in return. The very least a person can do is stuff some store-bought cookies in a Ziploc bag. Have some standards.


-Eggnog is only available one time of year – take advantage. Granted the stuff has about 15,000 calories per 8 ounce glass but it’s damn tasty. Even better is the inventive person that adds alcohol to it - now that’s a person of fine standards.

-Dec. 19 is the official start of Bowl Season: grab a beer, hit the couch, and let the vegetation begin. Make sure everyone knows you will be unavailable until sometime in early 2007. If they don’t like it; tough, they will have to live with it. The bowls are the Oktoberfest of the college football season and the last chance to stuff in as much football as possible before the bleak months ahead – celebrate appropriately.

-Office parties are a chance for YOU to fleece the COMPANY. Drink and eat like you’re on death row and execution day is tomorrow. This is the one time that you can get shit-faced at a company event, piss everyone off telling them how you feel, and get away with it. Only the worst bosses in the world hold employees accountable for what goes on at the company X-mas party; it’s a get-out-of-jail-free-card experience.

-If you aren’t eating yourself into a coma you’re not doing something right. Christmas parties are a celebration; stuff yourself like the fat pig you are and be happy. Friends and relatives have spent a lot of time and effort preparing the food for you; show your appreciation by devouring large amounts of it.


-If you find a particularly tasty cookie at the desert table, like Peanut Blossoms, stand and guard them like you’re a lineman protecting Troy Smith in the championship game (Michigan fans substitute Chad Henne here). The really good cookies are always the first to go, forearm shiver anyone that attempts to take one.

-If the party you are attending has a vegetable tray as an appetizer, leave - they’re Communists. Vegetables should only be served as a side dish with profound amounts of cheese or in casserole format – anything else is unacceptable. Don’t even explain yourself, leave and head to a party that has a summer sausage/cheese platter, the very smell of which could cause myocardial infarction.

-Waiting till the absolute last minute to Christmas shop is a man’s God-given right, don’t be ashamed. Do you really think the sweatshirt you will get had anymore thought put into it then the couple hours you will spend shopping (gee honey, a PSU T-shirt, how did you know)? Furthermore, this is the ONLY time of year that the malls are working for you and not against you. Stores have special sales for last minute shoppers and the only other people in the mall will be guys – all the women finished shopping weeks ago. Buy something expensive and shinny and hit the mall bar to catch the game. If your mall doesn’t have a bar, what the hell are you doing there?

-It is perfectly acceptable to live off of cold turkey sandwiches and Bud Light the week between Christmas and New Year’s. You will also need copious amounts of naptime to refuel your football-watching machine. Be proud of who you are: a football junkie.

-Just because your team failed to make it to a bowl is no excuse to skip watching football. Adopt a team like Rutgers, root like crazy, and tell your nagging significant other to go to Hell; it’s the last chance for real football.

-Know your limits….. so you can set new ones. Limits are for quitters - remember back in college when you woke up under an overturned couch sandwiched next to someone you met at that Frat party the night before? Did you reach your limit that night? Did you know what your limit was? HELL no, you had no limits. Live like that again.

Brandi the Wonderdog says: limits are for wusses

There you have it, the TNL guidelines to good Holiday etiquette. Now go be clinically merry and fill yourself with certifiably insane cheer. January is just around the corner, you might as well set the bar low so your New Year’s resolution won’t be that hard to reach.